Vulnerable, heart opening share incoming.
I’m not going to lie, the last six months of my life have been nothing but challenging. On one end of the spectrum, I am elated with the amount of healing and growth I have done personally. On the other, I have found it tough to find balance with this growth and the energetic change within my relationship with my husband. However, I would not change the experience for anything else in the world.
The circumstance in which I met my husband Shane was nothing but synchronistic, even to the point where we eventually connected and had a whopping 9-hour first date 😲.
I know deep in my heart that we have a soul contract with each other – pre-determined by our souls before we were birthed into this existence. That contract is to challenge, grow, teach, and love.
There are continually different moments throughout our relationship where we have triggered the fuck out of each other – honestly, I don’t think I have ever cried so much. But it is this crying that has released so much trapped emotion within me. For a long time prior I really struggled to share the depths of my emotions and here was this man – bashing through those blocks and churning it up with a chainsaw. It has felt raw and liberating at the same time.
And I know this has been the same for him. I have challenged his way of thinking, responding, created overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and offered the opportunity of patience.
Our lives thus far leading to the time we met, we were unmet in our emotional needs. And in some respects, still are, but the beauty of it all is we see each other. Truly see.
Patience for personal growth of another person is a hard thing to give away. There is a lot of questioning why we’re bothering to keep going, why not move on to someone who has exactly what we need? But that need is for right now – not for depth of growth and support we currently offer each other for the past, present and time to come.
He knows deep in his heart that I will have his back no matter what. He can keep frustratingly, throwing spaghetti at the wall hoping it sticks, however from my own growth that I have been doing, I know my role in this scenario is to be that solid wall of support that he hasn’t had for the majority of his life. It’s building the trust and undoing the subconscious conditioning and belief that he is not worthy of having his dreams and desires.
The more I travel down this spiritual, personal development journey, the more I realise how important it is for me to come into my feminine nature, by all means, my birth right. To embrace the goddess within me, to glow with my nurturing heart and hold him with compassion. I am to be his warrior of heart. An empress of the ethereal world.
As I come along the way I find resistance to connection, and this has been the sticking point for us over the last 6 months. Some in the astrology realms would say it has been aligned to what the collective is moving through. Since around November 2022 there has been a significant increase in separation and divorce, and it makes you wonder the why behind it.
I can certainly see some contributing factors, and we must remember in these circumstances others are not to blame. It is simply us moving through energetic shifts. It is the Universes way of nudging us to look deeper within ourselves.
What insights do we need to discover? What subconscious thoughts do we need to bring to the surface of consciousness? Are we allowing ourselves grace to be who our hearts lead us to be?
These are the queries we are encouraged to explore, and in some scenarios, it is the Universe attempting to communicate with us that there is more. More heart opening experiences, more depth, more growth, more joy, more excitement.
For us as a partnership we have felt the accumulation and stress of the last few years (thanks to the world going upside down) and the flow on effects that has had on us and our family. It has changed our dynamic and the way we both want to show up in the world and converse with other people. It has been really coming to a head the last few weeks, and this is where I can see my growth.
A few years ago if this scenario happened, I would be balling my eyes out, fawning, demeaning my worth all in an attempt to keep it all together. I would be settling for the lesser of two evils just to keep the peace. Now, I have learnt to rebuild my personal energetic boundaries and remember my worth. I have realised that the escalation of our emotions is the energetic manifestation of what needs to be moved through our physical bodies rather than burying them deep and holding the resentment, to throw at each other later.
Knowing my worth, knowing my strength in being in my personal feminine power has been life changing for me. I am only beginning to discover this part of myself, but I know in my heart this was my ancestral superpower. To be the space holder for the divine masculine. To be the Yin to his Yang to create magic as a whole.
Finding this place of peace within myself has allowed a depth of compassion I didn’t know I could hold. It has offered opportunity to reflect on the situation as it unfolds and assist in providing support where it needed – that is holding the space and saying nothing at all.
I have noticed when I instil this practice – I allow the space for Shane to flow through his full range of emotions, finding that place where he eventually finds an momentary equilibrium and we allow ourselves to have honest, open hearted communication, which we can acknowledge our triggers and talk about how we can repair.
And I believe it is that final moment of repair that makes all the difference. Even though the enactment of the repair may take time to put into practice, having known we have talked our way towards a possible resolution, warms my heart and for me creates a deeper heart and soul connection.
Relationships for me have never been about the superficial things. It has always been about the dreamy, soul connection that we see in the Disney movies. You know the ones where the prince rolls in, sweeps you off your feet and yeeha you’re a princess. And as I have grown older, realised that is somewhat an unrealistic expectation to have, and I am guilty of projecting that expectation too.
Even as a child, I have wanted that deeper soul connection, one that is full of sparks and never gets boring. And I am confident in saying that is what I have now.
Our relationship from the outside might seem stale and full of frustration to some, but with everything we experience in life there will always be highs and lows in every aspect of that experience. I am a true believer that to fully integrate and feel the full spectrum of joy, we must experience the full depth of despair and heartache. Otherwise, how can we truly measure the expanse of that joy?
We never know what will happen tomorrow, but I do like to dream that this soul contract between us is forever. As we move through each phase of our lives, it is a getting to know each other in this new iteration, a new depth, aspect, character.
Without growth there is no change and without change there is no growth.
I think my worst nightmare would be to stay stagnant and boring. Instead, I wake up each morning choosing to be here, to be in this experience, without honestly knowing what I am going to face and whether or not I will be equipped to handle it. Even so, I am willing to commit and eager to learn.
I believe that perspective makes the difference.
Consciously making the choice.
We have free will. We are the creators of our consciousness. We have the power to control our vibration and how far that energy reaches. We can choose how we show up and in which frequency we engage.
It excites me knowing that this is available to us, and always has been.
Shane and I are not out of the woods just yet. Life’s circumstances continually throw us curve balls, so there is obviously some takeaways we both need to recognise before we can keep moving forward. So I am fully expecting there are more tears and frustrations to come, but my heart is full knowing that by having this experience,
I am healing my own wounds and supporting the healing of his too.
There is power in true, supported connection.
It can be hard to see through the misty veils we shroud ourselves in as protection, the only advice I can offer to this, is to feel into it, trust your intuition. Truth the energy of your being, have faith that it knows subconsciously that which your conscious mind does not.
The biggest lesson I have learnt throughout these up and downs is to allow myself the grace to feel, to surrender and let go any expectation of meeting deadlines. It’s a true living life by the seat of your pants concept and falling into the chaotic beauty of the moment.
I am sure this part of my journey is going to escalate and see some truly beautiful and crazy moments, and I am here for all of it.
Thank you again for being here a part of my journey too dear reader – because my hope is that by sharing a piece of my heart and soul. It will give you or someone you share this story with the courage to crack open their own heart and sunshine with the world. Because, the world could do with a little more magic and sunshine right now.
Until next time,
Love, Sharai xx
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